Have you ever had stories that repeat themselves over and over again? As if written according to the same script, and always with a negative ending? That is, when what you want remains unattainable, and instead there is a feeling of sad "déjà vu"... They also say, "stepping on the same rake" or "not learning from life". Recently, one of my acquaintances told her story about how, time and time again, trying to build relationships with men, she seemed to find herself in the same situation: men would break off communication at the moment of her greatest emotional upsurge, feeling of love, openness, desire to contact. Every time, at the most inopportune moment, she was left with a feeling of emptiness, pain and inability to say about her feelings... The situation began to be resolved only when she realized the connection of this scenario with her childhood history, namely, with the history of relationships with her parents. The family had an atmosphere of hyper-restraint and rejection of any manifestation of feelings and emotions. And always, when the daughter felt strong emotions and tried to somehow, in her immature childish way, express them, the parents, instead of accepting, understanding and explaining how exactly one can deal with her experiences, abruptly left the room, leaving the child alone with her emotions and punishing her by refusing to communicate. They said that good girls behave politely - they do not scream, do not yell, do not cry, do not get angry, do not misbehave and do not squeal with joy... Good girls behave quietly and restrained. And parents communicate only with good ones... And love only good ones... And together with the conviction "I am bad", which she had to fight with for half her life, a burning resentment against her parents settled in the child's soul for leaving her at those moments when she needed them most. And since parents must be loved and respected, and it is impossible to get angry and offended, we had to hide the resentment in ourselves in the farthest drawer of our soul, and love our parents, because when you are still a child, you will not survive without your parents. And so the resentment remained unlived, unexpressed and unforgiven. Our psyche is arranged in such a way that it periodically returns us to situations that are not lived, not integrated and incomplete. This is called an open gestalt, or “stepping on the same rake”. And until we realize this connection and what feelings continue to torment us and return us to the previous situation again and again, we will go in circles, returning to the same stories and the same experiences. Because when there is unlived anger, we must vent, when there is unlived sadness, we must cry, when there is unlived resentment, we must reflect. Give yourself permission, find the right time and place, safe for yourself and your surroundings, and experience your feelings, express them and let them go. Through words, through movement, through drawing, through dance, through writing letters… Only then will there be a place in your soul for understanding situations, actions of other people, understanding their weaknesses and mistakes, for compassion. And then there will be no need to return to old situations, then there will be a place for choosing and making your own conscious decisions. If you need help in resolving situations that are repeated over and over again like a script, contact me, I will be happy to help. The text was prepared by Galina Kapshiy, psychologist of the Alter Ego center